Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
