I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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