I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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