My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
