Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
