This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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