My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
