god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
