I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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