Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
