Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
