Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
