He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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