Your face is a jimmy john
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
