Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
