I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
