This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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