The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
