so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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