I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
birth control should be required to get into college
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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