Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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