I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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