I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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