I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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