You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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