You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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