I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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