Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
