my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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