You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
