we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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