I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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