I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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