3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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