i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
