I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
