There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
