Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
