why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
