Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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