Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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