someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
