Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
