I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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