I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
