____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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