I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
