Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
