I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
