her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
