Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You were trust falling into bushes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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