I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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