It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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