I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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