that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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