Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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