sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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