i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
two words: eviction party
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
